Sunday, August 12, 2007

Making Peace with the Past

We went to church with my Mom today. We are very close to our old home in Lehi, and Anna asked if we could please go to our old ward. The answer was an unconditional no.

I feel bad, because I know that Anna really misses her friends from the old neighborhood, and this would be a good chance for her to see them again. But I'm simply not ready yet.

I have no problem with the people in our old ward. They were great, and they helped us out quite a bit when we were in a very tight spot.

I tried to understand why this is such a problem for me, and have decided that I am just not ready to face such a stark reminder of the events of last few years. I am not ready to go by and look at the old house. I'm not ready to answer questions about our wellbeing over and over and over (as would happen at church), and I'm certainly not ready to face the people who bought our house.

I have nothing against the people who bought our house. We needed to sell, and they wanted to buy, and they gave us nearly everything we asked for. I am grateful that we were able to strike a deal.

But I believe the only way I've made it through the last few years is to grease the skids with a heavy dose of delusion. I've had to simply ignore the indignation and trauma, put on my brave face, and move forward.

I need to keep that delusion in place for just a little while longer.

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